I do a lot of driving with my five kids. A lot. Around town to get them to activities. From Florida to New York every summer. And most recently, to get out of Hurricane Irma’s path. We were able to fly to Atlanta but then had to drive to my sister’s house in Memphis. That’s six hours of “needing to entertain children” time.

I generally have pretty lax technology rules on those long drives but there are times when I insist on everyone taking off their headphones and doing something together. Because honestly, how many times can you watch Sponge Bob? (I think my 7 year old just said 751 times.)

Despite the fact that it can initially bring on deep sighing from children, there are some really great activities to do together as a family when you’re stuck on I95 (Mad Libs, 20 Questions, singing every song you’ve ever heard) and here’s one more amazing one we just discovered…. the Circle Round podcast, which is our sponsor for this post.

Circle Round is a new storytelling podcast for kids aged 4 to 10, and comes from the same talented people at WBUR (Boston’s NPR station) who produce the podcast Modern Love. (And, I love me some Modern Love podcast!)

The Circle Round podcast has beautifully narrated folktales (each 5 to 20 minutes long) that are entertaining, represent cultures from around the world and also spark conversation. So even after the episode has ended, you can can be discussing topics like kindness, persistence and generosity with your kids.  (Yes, I pinky promise.) This is way better than listening to your children vacillate between, “I’m bored” and “I have to go to the bathroom again.”

Plus, the stories are narrated by theatre, film, and TV actors. As an example, Jason Alexander of Seinfeld fame stars in the pilot episode. And later on this season, Jon Cryer makes his debut. (I’ve always had a soft spot for Duckie from Pretty in Pink. I’m tuning in for that one whether my kids are in the car or not.)

We listened to the first two episodes somewhere on the road between Memphis and Atlanta.  My children really loved them. Even my 13 year old (who is older than the targeted audience of 4 – 10) said she liked the stories. The pilot episode, “It Could Always Get Worse,” is about a farmer who lives in a crowded house with his family and longs for more quiet (hey, my family of seven can relate to that!).  The message is about appreciating what you have.

The best part was none of my kids were looking at screens. And boy did I appreciate that! My children were actually using their brains to envision and imagine what the characters and scenes looked liked while listening to the stories.

So the next time you’re sitting in traffic trying to get to that gymnastics class or embarking on a long drive, try out Circle Round. Because we could all use a bit less screen time and a little more conversation with our families. And this might just be the perfect way to do it.

New episodes air Tuesdays at 3 pm.

Subscribe (so you never miss a new episode) to Circle Round via iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app and download episodes.  And, because these are podcasts they are all FREE.

This post is sponsored by Circle Round, but all opinions are my own.

Illustrations by WBUR’s Circle Round

When it comes to parenting there is an enormous amount of advice out there on everything from how to prep for baby to what to buy for back-to-school, but we often skip some of the most important to-dos. While many parents may have a financial plan in place most of us forget (or avoid) the big ones. Instead of sticking your head in the sand, I have an easy guide to help you get these tough to-dos to-done.

1.  Have Uncomfortable Conversations

We’ve all had to have uncomfortable conversations, but talking about death and serious illness ranks up there as one of the most challenging discussions you can have. Grab a cup of tea or a bottle of wine and sit down with your partner, spouse, or a family member to discuss.

Here are a few conversation starters:

• The Kid(s): Who will be their guardians? Who is the backup? What kind of financial plans do you want in place for them?
• Income/Work: What would you do if you could no longer work? What plans do you want in place for retirement?
• Health: What are your wishes when it comes to your health? If you were unable to make health decisions for yourself who would you want to do it for you?
• Death: What are your wishes for your remains? What kind of wake/funeral/end of life event would you prefer?

Starting these conversations isn’t easy, but once you’ve discussed these tough topics the next to dos will be much easier.

If you’ve already had these talks it’s not a bad idea to check in that nothing has changed.  My husband and I recently realized it’s been 10 years (!) since our last check-in. A lot changed in that time including our first-born being old enough to be named as a guardian for our other kids! I would recommend you check-in more frequently than that-consider having these conversations about once every 3-5 years depending on your life’s circumstances.

2. Have Wills Drafted 

I can’t tell you the number of wonderful parents I know who have no will in place. Please don’t do this to your family. I know it’s hard to think about, but it’s imperative. And no, you don’t need to have a million bucks in the bank to have a will. It’s simply a document that shares what assets you have and where they should go (even your action figure collection or your most prized jewelry can be listed).

The simplest way to get this done is to contact a local lawyer who specializes in estate planning (a fancy word for end-of-life documents). They’ll ask you some questions or have a form you fill out and then create documents for you to sign. Most of it (thankfully) can be done via email with a brief meeting to sign your final documents.

Already have a will? Take some time to go over it to check if you need to update anything. 

3. Look Into Your State’s Estate Taxes

Estate taxes are the taxes paid on your assets as they pass on to your heirs. That’s a fancy way of saying the federal or state government tax a portion of your estate when you die. While your estate lawyer (see #2 above) may provide this info, you will want to discuss the tax implications with your accountant or financial planner.

Federal laws require estate tax on amounts over 5.49 million dollars, while state laws vary. In some states setting up a trust is in your family’s best financial interest to ensure your kids aren’t stuck with a hefty tax bill.

Already know this info? Double check that your state laws aren’t changing in 2018; several states are doing away with estate taxes.

4. Share Your Health Wishes

No one likes to think about getting sick– much less being so ill that you can’t make choices for yourself–  but it happens to nearly everyone at some point in their lives. You can work with your estate lawyer to create a healthcare directive to give your spouse, partner, or family member (and usually a backup) permission to make decisions about your care.

A health care directive can include instructions on when (and when not to) use life support, whether you’d like your remains donated to science, burial wishes or instructions, and whether you’re an organ donor among other things.

Already got these details sorted for yourself and your spouse? Double check that you have them in written format in a legal document. 

5. Get Life Insurance (Or Review Your Policy)

Life insurance is one of the simplest things you can do for your family. Put simply, it offers a financial benefit to the people you choose if you die. There are two options: whole life and term.  Term life insurance is a smart option for families because you can get it at a low cost and it has the potential to replace years of lost income. It ends after the term on the policy, so a 15 year policy means you pay the same monthly cost for 15 years and the benefit remains the same. Whole life insurance has fixed premiums for as long as you pay them, but the cost is more expensive and many financial advisors would recommend other ways to stash your cash.

Life insurance may seem like it’s forcing you to put a value on your life, but it’s simply a way to help your family remain financially stable despite the loss of your income and/or care. As for how much life insurance may be appropriate, consider about 10 times your income (stay-at-home parents should calculate the cost of caregivers) plus any debt including your mortgage as a general guideline. You can purchase life insurance through your current insurance agent or you can look at companies who specialize in life insurance such as Haven Life.

Already have life insurance? Double check your beneficiaries and check that you don’t need to increase the amount to reflect your current financial situation.

Made it through our list, okay? High fives all around.

Want bonus points? Go over these to-dos with your parents, in-laws, adult siblings, and friends. They won’t want to have these conversations either, but it’s helpful to know what their plans and wishes are now, so when the time comes you’re prepared.

I know these to-dos aren’t easy to get through, but trust me once they’re done you will feel a huge sense of relief knowing if anything happens your plans are in place.

Photo source: Unsplash/Drew Hays

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If you’re embarking on a big family road trip, you need tips. Secret, battle-scarred, amazingly helpful tips that will make your trip easier and possibly more fun. Because these adventures are supposed to be fun, right?! Okay, well, let’s at least aim for not-so-painful.

I’ve traveled more than 1,400 miles with my five children just so far this summer (10,490 miles over the past few years) and I’ve learned a few things on the road.  And, I’m going share them with you. And please, after your next road trip, share your best tips with us! Because road trips are not for the weak.

1) Always book a hotel offering free breakfast

If you’re staying at a hotel, you must book one with a free breakfast option. Mostly because every kid loves a waffle maker (and who wants to clean a waffle maker at home?). A free breakfast is such a cost savings. Plus, the early risers can head down to breakfast while the others gets some extra sleep.

But when you check in, ask about breakfast hours because there is nothing sadder than busting down to the lobby to get your waffle on and find that everything just got shut down and the only thing they can offer you is a bruised 3 day old banana.

Also, in addition, some hotels even offer a happy hour! So if you’re staying in town for a day, this is definitely worth finding out about. The Embassy Suites in Alexandria, VA had a happy hour that was the perfect end to a day of sight seeing in DC.

Other good hotel amenities for road-traveling families: I also love a hotel with a gym (because getting 30 minutes of exercise makes it way easier to sit in the car for hours) and a pool (because kids can really get their energy out and most importantly have fun).

2) Register Any Discounts When You Book the Hotel (Not at Check In)

Hotels won’t always honor a discount like AAA unless you make note of it when you’re booking the hotel. Meaning at the time of check in – it can be too late. This recently happened to me in New York City. I thought they would honor my AAA card when I checked in but it had to be done at the time of booking and no amount of begging or crying could change their minds. Okay, I didn’t cry. But I wanted to because I hate losing out on free money!

Important note: I often check travel/hotel discount and other similar sites for the best rates and then book directly on the hotels’ sites so I can use my AAA card. Because discount travel sites don’t always allow you to use these kinds of discounts from their sites. Also, another tip…. don’t think you have to be a senior to take advantage of AARP discounts. Anyone over the age of 18 can join the AARP and take advantage of lots of hotel and other travel discounts.

3) Portable Potties aren’t Just For Kids

Bring a small, fold-up travel portable potty if you have young children who might need to pee and can’t wait for a rest stop. Make sure you have bags that fit the potty. Sometimes you’re stuck in traffic or there is not a rest stop in sight.

I will even admit that I have used one of these toddler potties after drinking a way too big latte in the car. Obviously I’m incredibly proud of this feat and it will hopefully give my kids something to write about for the “What I Did Over Summer Vacation” when they get back-to-school.

Also, it’s important to stay hydrated by drinking water but keep the soda/coffee/anything else drinking to a minimum. This is also not the time to potty train little Susie. She will do great in her diapers until you reach your destination. Rest stops really slow down a trip.

4) Have Pajamas Easily on Hand

If you’re getting in late, have PJs easily available so kids can get comfy in the car and be ready for bed upon arrival. It will save you a lot of digging through suitcases at 1 in the morning. Also, make sure you pack a separate suitcase for the trip. This is REALLY important. You don’t want to be lugging all your stuff in and out of hotels when you’re on the road.

I also pack pillows and blankets so the children can get comfortable in the car and hopefully sleep! Please let them sleep.

5) Clean Out the Car Each Night

You do not want to check out of your hotel in the morning, open up your car and find out someone left a piece of bologna under the seat so that it could bake in the hot sun.  It will smell soooooo badly. So every night, just collect all the trash and clean out the car the best you can. It won’t look like palace – but did it ever?

6) Fun Car Games Before Screen Time

No kid wants to shut off his or her movie to play the license plate game with their parents. So bring out the car games first. Here are some ideas from my good friend Wendi. We did a family Mad Lib every morning of the trip during which I taught my kids the difference between an adverb and an adjective. We also had our 7 year old twins (who just learned how to read) read books out loud to us.

7) Save the Sweets for When You Need to Stop

Pack lots of snacks (especially healthy ones) for the car but save the candy for a special treat. At some point during the day, we would stop at a gas station for a bathroom break (and yes, everyone must pee!). During the stop, the kids would get to pick out any candy they want (as long it wasn’t king size). They really loved this treat and looked forward to it every day.  When it feels like you are driving forever, you need little things like this to look forward to.

8) Stop at Places You Actually Want to Visit

Whenever possible, stop at places you want to visit or have friends.  It lifts everyone’s spirits during a long road trip. I’d rather drive a bit out of the way and enjoy a city I really love than end up staying at some random place on the side of the highway.

So plan the schedule ahead of time. For example, on our drive from Florida to New York, we often stop in Savannah to eat at the super yummy and adorable Sandfly Bar-B-Q.  So don’t rigidly stick to only the fastest route. We’ve hit cities like DC, Virginia Beach, Charlottesville, Chapel Hill and Charleston. They weren’t always exactly on our way but we never regretted the stop. Well, I do sort of regret one Chuck E. Cheese stop in Alabama but I’ve always had a difficult relationship with that kids’ place.

9) You’ll Never Regret Having Wipes

Carry a package of baby/toddler wipes in your purse. I don’t care if your kid is 2 or 15. Wipes come in so handy when traveling… for spills in the car, messy ice cream stops, a quick substitute for toilet paper when you find yourself in a bathroom stall without one square to spare. Carry wipes and you’ll be the most popular person ever (or at least in your car).

10) You Will Now Hate Me for Saying This

Remember it’s a journey, not a destination. Yeah, sorry. On a recent road trip, we stopped in Washington, D.C. and my husband was very anxious to get to the National Air and Space Museum. And our children were very content to run, skip and jump from this stone wall a few blocks from the museum. I finally reminded my husband that this was them having fun. And we would get to the museum. And eventually we did.

Sometimes we are so busy trying to get to our final destination that we forget about the stuff in between. And that goes for road trips too. You need to look for the moments of joy in between tedious hours on the road.

Because at some point (between the sibling fighting and constant bathroom stops), your whole family will be laughing hysterically at something and you will think, “Yes, this is why we did this!” I mean – you also saved a bunch of money on airfare – but you also did it for that moment.

Safe travels.

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Have a great family road trip tip? Please share!  (I’ve still got about 1,300 miles more to drive this summer so I’ll take any help I can get.) 

Photo source: Depositphotos/Yaruta

Ah, June, when the internet is awash with advice about marriage — most of it lousy.

Either it assumes that men and women are puppets in a simple story, rather than complex human beings who are learning how to love each other; or else it applies to some marriages but by no means all; or else it’s really good advice . . . for parents dealing with toddlers.

Here are a few bits of marriage advice that work great for a toddler-parent relationship, but is awful advice for a marriage:

Never go to bed angry.

For little kids, sure. I believe in soft landings at bedtime. No child learns lessons when he’s exhausted — and most parents don’t teach good lessons when they’re exhausted, either. Bedtime is time for a hug and as much affirmation as you can muster. If your kid has been a louse all day long, bedtime is still time to say, “I love you,” and maybe remind yourself that your kids isn’t always an irrational demon. Tomorrow you really can start again.

But marriages are more complex. If you suffered a minor annoyance before bed, then yes, you can decide, “Meh, I’ll shake this off and give my love a kiss, because the major good in our marriage overrides the minor bad.” Sometimes the reason you’re angry is because it’s time to go to bed, and a good night’s sleep will set everything to rights.

But if there’s something actually worth being angry about, you’re not going to work through it after a long day when you’re both exhausted and not thinking clearly.

Most marriages go through rough spells, and going to bed angry isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes, spouses will wake up in the morning, feel rested, and decide to apologize, or at least they feel more ready to address the problem in a constructive, loving way.

Or sometimes they will realize, “I’ve been angry for twelve years, and I don’t want to live like this anymore. Time to make some changes.” This can’t happen if you paste on a contented smile just because you now have pajamas on.

Just open up and express what’s bothering you if you want things to change.

For little guys? Oh lort, just tell me what is wrong and I will fix it. Or if I can’t fix it, I will read you Frog and Toad so you forget about it.  Here, have a bit of chocolate from my secret stash. I’m glad you told me what is wrong. I would be upset, too. I love you.

It’s not that simple between spouses, though. Oh, don’t suffer endlessly in silence. No one, husband or wife, should offer themselves up as an open sewer for whatever the other spouse wants to dump.

But it’s also not useful to allow an endless stream of complaint to flow from your lips. Listen to yourself. Do most of your words reflect the true nature of your experience of your marriage? Or are you super devoted to being “honest and open” when it comes to the bad, but suddenly stoic and self-contained when it comes to the good?

Expressing anger and frustration day in and day out is more likely to shut down communication than to open it, whether your unhappiness is justified or not. One of the reasons I finally started seeing a therapist was because I didn’t know how to tell the difference between big problems and little problems, and even when I could tell, I didn’t know how to adjust my response accordingly.

Being honest isn’t the same as opening the floodgates. Honesty is also about discernment. It’s less stream-of-consciousness blather and more poetry, in which words and ideas are carefully chosen and balanced to express something true.

Also, some bad spouses just don’t care. You may be doing your level best to express, in as truthful and balanced a way as possible, that your marriage has serious problems, and it may just not work. Communication is vital in marriage, but it’s not magic. It’s only useful when both spouses are willing to listen and willing to make changes.

Just submit to the head of the household and all will be well.

In most toddler-parent relationships? Absolutely. Dear child rolling around on the floor like a maniac, I am bigger and smarter, and I am in charge of you. Just obey. Put clothes on, because it is snowing. Do not put your head in the dentist’s aquarium. Forever forsake the idea of eating that lightbulb, ya little dummy. Submit, and all will be well.

But in most marriages, this crap advice leads to unhappiness, resentment, and even abuse — and it often expands to abuse of children, too, which the wife feels unable to stop, or unwilling to acknowledge. Unquestioning submission lets insecure, immature, un-self-controlled men to treat their families like garbage in the name of godliness, which is just as bad for men as it is for women and children.

Couples who obsess about wives obeying husbands tend to gloss over the extraordinarily heavier burden God lays on men, which is to love their wives as Christ loves the Church (and no, not even St. Paul says that men have to do their part after women do their part, but if she’s being a lippy dame, you are off the hook, being-Christ-wise.)

In loving, functional relationships, it’s not even on the radar, because husband and wife will both be focused on working out what’s best for the family and best for each other, rather than on who’s obeying whom.

Unpopular opinion: Wifely obedience is occasionally useful in loving relationships in times of some forms of extreme crisis. It’s like when the government declares a state of emergency and suspends habeas corpus. It’s not a long-term plan; it’s to get the union through until things can function the way they’re supposed to again; and it’s only a good idea if the leader isn’t a tyrant.

And then there are other forms of extreme crisis that call for the wife not to submit, but instead to extricate herself, at least temporarily, from the idea that she’s in a marriage. When the husband is being abusive or otherwise dangerous, obedience would be wrong; and she is required to simply protect herself and her children.

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Next time you hear some bit of marriage advice that’s popular but rubs you the wrong way, maybe this is the problem: It’s good advice for a parent-child relationship, but completely inappropriate for a marriage between equals who love each other.

What would you add to my list?

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Image: Kewpie bride and groom on Ebay

Hey Amy,

Just found your site and response to “toddler rebellion” question about a woman’s son not going to sleep until very late. Loved your response. Having the same issue here – if he naps during the day (sometimes he does, something he doesn’t!) then he’s up until 10:30-ish. He’s now in the “big boy bed” with his old crib also in his room but hops out of crib if I try to contain him ;).

So, my question is, how do I make him stay in bed with books, etc. and not come out? I would be fine with that but problem is he runs out of room to hang out with me and he’s so happy and playful and we do this thing where we make a deal that he’ll stay in his bed and I’ll bring him more books etc etc etc but he just won’t stay there. Just wants to talk and play and he’s so excited about life these days (it’s precious!) but by 8pm I’m beyond tired, let’s be real. I also have a 5 month old. By the way, he’s almost 2.5 years old. And when he doesn’t nap during the day he passes out mid-sentence around 8pm. But I kind of believe in letting his body do its thing- not waking him up after an hour nap for example (which often turns into a 3 hour nap). Help!

Thanks!
R

Hello! And welcome to Nap Transition Hell. You’re not going to be happy with anything I’m about to write, but here goes:

Your son probably isn’t going to be napping all that much longer. He’s showing signs of being almost done with the daytime nap, but not quite totally there yet, and it’s impossible to predict just how long you’ll be playing this maybe/maybe not transitional song and dance routine.

Signs a toddler is ready (or close to ready) to say goodbye to the nap:

1. Daytime naps are inconsistent, both in length and whether they happen at all. Some days they’re down for the count and out for hours; other days they’re not tired at all and fight the nap all afternoon.
2. When they DO nap, it blows bedtime all to hell. They’re not tired and stay awake for hours and hours.
3. When they DON’T nap, they can make it to a reasonable bedtime without too many ill effects (mega grouchiness, crying over nothing, falling asleep in the middle of dinner, etc.)

#3 is usually the last sign to appear, while most toddlers in nap transition display #1 and/or #2 for awhile but still show signs of over-tiredness at bedtime on no-nap days.

But the solution is NOT, actually, to figure out a way to “force” him to stay put in bed when he’s fully napped and super amped and pumped up. That’s an exercise in futility for a high-energy toddler. An older child can understand the directions/rules of staying in bed/staying in their room, but it’s REALLY tough for a freshly-out-of-the-crib 2 year old who just. Isn’t. Tired. ATALL. And even if he DOES stay in bed (or at least his room) and give you some peace and quiet, there’s still the issue that 10:30 p.m. is just too late of a bedtime! It’s likely his nap + overnight sleep hours aren’t adding up to the full amount he needs in a 24-hour period. (It’s about 12 hours total, on average.)

I would cut the afternoon nap down to an hour, hour and a half tops. I know this sounds like you’re not letting his body “do it’s thing” but just like the sleep regressions of the baby days of yore, toddler bodies in the midst of the nap transition aren’t always doing the right thing on their own. Those three-hour long naps are more than likely a result of the late-night antics, and by allowing them you’re accidentally creating a messy cycle of overtiredness day after day and night after night. (And I say this as a fully guilty parent who has been there and done just that!) Keep his daytime sleep shorter and you should see more signs of sleepiness (or at least a willingness to stay in bed without Energizer Bunny levels of excess energy) at bedtime than you are now.

You say he falls asleep mid-sentence by 8 p.m. on no-nap days — is he also a completely miserable little grump leading up to that moment? Or is he otherwise his pleasant happy self who just zonks out? If so, I’d maybe even consider dropping the nap entirely (like, letting an hour here and there happen if it happens, but stop pushing to make it happen every day), and start his bedtime routine earlier so he’s getting tucked in right around the 8 p.m. mark. Then see what time he wakes up in the morning: If he sleeps until 7:30/8 a.m. or later, I’d say that’s a pretty clear sign that he’s ready to be done with napping entirely and can get the sleep he needs at nighttime alone.

If he wakes up much earlier, plan on a nap that day, but again, try to keep it on the shorter side. And this advice also applies if you answered “OMG YES” to the miserable little grump question. That’s still a kid in nap transition, who still benefits from A nap, but not necessarily a LONG nap, and whose sleep needs might just vary a bit from day to day, week to week for now.

Good luck! And may the Nap Gods bless you with (short) afternoon breaks for at least a little while longer.